Third World Driving Hints and Tips

Road Hazards

 

What would be a road hazard anywhere else, in the Third World is probably the road. ThEre are two techniques for coping with this. One is the drive very fast so your wheels 'get on top' of the ruts and your car sails over the ditches and gullies. Predictably, this will result in disaster. The other technique is to drive very slowly. This also results in disaster. No matter how slowly you drive into a ten-foot hole, you're still going to get hurt. You'll find the locals themselves can't make up their minds. Either they drive at 2 m.p.h.- which they do every time there's absolutely no way to get around them. Or else they drive &t 100 m.p.h.- which they do coming right at you when you finally get a chance to pass the guy going 2 m.p.h.

 

Basic Information

 

It's important to have your facts straight before you begin piloting a car around an underdeveloped country. For instance, which side of the road do they drive on? This is easy. They drive on your side! That is, you can depend on it, any oncoming traffic will be on your side of the road. Also, how do you translate kilometres into miles? Most people don't know this but one kilometre= ten miles, exactly. True, a kilometre is only 62 per cent of a mile, but if something is one hundred kilometres away, read that as one thousand miles because the roads are 620 per cent worse than anything you've ever seen. And when you see a 50-k.p.h. speed limit, you might as well figure that means 500 m.p.h. because nobody cares. The Third World does not have Broderick Crawford and the Highway Patrol. Outside the cities, it doesn't have many police at all. Law enforcement is in the hands of the army. And soldiers, if they feel like it, will shoot you no matter what speed you're going.

 

Traffic signs and signals

 

Mostdeveloping nations use international traffic symbols. Americans may find themselves perplexed by road signs that look like Boy Scout merit badges and by such things as an iguana silhouette with a red diagonal bar across it. Don't worry, the natives dont know what they mean either. The natives do, however, have an elaborate set of signals used to convey information to the traffic around them. For example, if you're trying to pass someone and he blinks his left signal, it means go ahead. Either that or it means a large truck is coming around the bend, and you'll get killed if you try. You'll find out in a moment. Signalling is further comlicated by festive decorations found on many vehicles. It can be hard to tell a hazard flasher from a string of Christmas-tree lights wrapped around the bumper, and brake lights can easily be confused with the dozen Jesus, and Muhammad, statuettes and the ten stuffed animals with blinking eyes on the package shelf.

 

Dangerous curves

 

Dangerous curves are marked, at least in Christian lands, by white wooden crosses positioned to make the curves even more dangerous. These crosses are memorials to people who've died in traffic accidents, and they give a rough statistical indication of how much trouble you're likely to have at that spot in the road. Thus, when you come through a curve in a full-power slide and are suddenly confronted with a veritable forest of crucufixes, you know you're dead.

 

Learning to drive like a native

 

Its important to understand that in the Third World most driving is done with the horn, or 'Egyptian Break Pedal' as it is known. There is a precise and complicated etiquette of horn use. Honk your horn only under the following circumstances:

 

1. When anything blocks the road.

2. When anything doesn't.

3. When anything might.

4. At red lights.

5. At green lights.

6. At all other times

 

Road-blocks

 

One thing you can count on in Third World countries is trouble. Theres always some uprising, coup, or Marxist insurrection going on, and this means military road-blocks. There are two kinds of military road-blocks, the kind where you slow down so they can look you over, and the kind where you come to a complete stop so they can steal your luggage. The important thing is that you must never stop at the slow-down kind of road-block. If you stop, they'll think you're a terrorist about to attack them, and they'll shoot you. And you must always stop at the full-stop kind of road-blocks. If you just slow down, they'll think you're a terrorist about to attack them, and they'll shoot you. How do you tell the difference between the two kinds of road-blocks? Here's the fun part: you can't! (The terrorists, of course, have road-blocks of their own. They always make you stop. Sometimes with land mines.)

 

Animals in the right of way

 

As a rule of thumb, you should slow down for donkeys, speed up for goats and stop for cows. Donkeys will get out of your way eventually, and so will pedestrians. But never actually stop for either of them or the'll take advantage, especially the pedestrians. If you stop in the middle of a crowd of Third World pedestrians, you'll be there buying Chiclets and bogus antiques for days.

 

Drive like hell through the goats. Its almost impossible to hit a goat. On the other hand, it's almost impossible not to hit a cow. Cows are immune to horn-honking, shouting, swats with sticks and taps on the hind quarters with the bumper. The only thing you can do to make a cow more is swerve to avoid it, which will make the cow move in front of you with lightning speed.

 

Actually, the most dangerous are the chickens. In the United States, when you see a ball roll into the street, you hit the breaks because you know the next thing youll see is a kid chasing it. In the Third World, its not balls the kids are chasing, but chickens. Third Worlders are remarkably fond of their chickens and, also, their children (population problems not withstanding). If you hit one or both, they may survive. But you will not.

 

Accidents

 

Never look where you're going- youll only scare yourself. Nonetheless, try to avoid collisions. There are bound to be more people in that bus, truck or even on that moped than there are in your car. At best youll be screamed deaf. And if the police do happen to be around, standard procedure is to throw everyone in jail regardless of fault. This is done to forestall blood feuds, which are a popular hobby in many of these places. Remember the American consul is very budy fretting about that Marxist insurrection, and it may be months before he comes to visit. If you do have an accident, the only thing to do is go on the offensive. Throw big wads of American money at everyone, and hope for the best.

 

Safety Tips

 

One nice thing about the Third World, you dont have to fasten your safety belt. (Or stop smoking. Or cut down on saturated fats.) It takes a lot off your mind when average life expectancy is forty-five minutes. -PJO