What a BIG Surprise

     It had been a good night sleep, unlike many nights before. Not too  hot; not too cold. Perfectly normal. I like normal. My only setback is, normal  no longer exists in my vocabulary. I had decided months ago that waking up  before 9AM is almost useless and quite simply uncalled for. Not is it only already hot by 8AM anyway, but the days go by a little faster when you sleep through them. 

    It was only half past 6AM when I heard the screams. "God damn kids," I said frustrated. They woke me from that perfect, normal sleep  I was having. "Malick, Malick....", one of many young girls said.  "Malick, Malick....Jegaa o puus took ndok of...O puus, jego!!!....Malick,  Malick!!!", they repeated over and over. Now Im not one to overreact when the little ones wake me before my mandatory-'Dont Wake Me Before 9AM' rule, especially to tell me that I have a bag on the roof of my hut. In Seereer, one  of the worlds front running dying languages, 'O Puus' means 'A Bag'. Literally they told me, "Paul, Paul...You have a bag on the roof of your hut. A bag you have." Now mulitply that by 90 and carry the 2. Thats how annoyed I was over this mystery bag. 

    Since I know from experience that ignoring them wont make them disappear and bribing them with chocolate and money is just plain idiotic, I decided to humor them instead and retrieve the damn bag. I figured  it'd only take two seconds to grab it, so why worry about putting on any clothes. (I was wearing boxers. If the ladies here are free to roam around topless, then by all means...) I picked up a stick so I could grab the bag with it. I climbed up to see where the mystery bag was, and what do I see- A damn baby crocodile!!! Only, it wasnt a crocodile but just a huge ass lizard. But what exactly is the difference? "Yup, Im pretty sure that big ass lizards and mystery bag are not the same word," I thought as I swung my BOOM stick at the creature.  (Turns out that 'o cuus' means 'a big lizard' in Seereer. I guess it wasnt one  of the questions on the top of my list during training. How do you say big #&%*ing lizard in Seereer, you know just in case?)

    Successfully, I pushed the little guy off my tropical  condo estate. My 9AM clause could have to wait until after I hunted me some  croc. I was determined. Not even noticing that I still had no clothes on, I  chased it into a little chicken house outside my hut. In went the lizard; out  came the chickens. Half naked, I instructed one of the kids to go get my  machete, my rope and a stick. The plan was to tie a noose in the rope, use the stick to place the noose around its neck, drag him out of the hen house and chop its head off with my man-knife. Well, that was the plan, but big ass  lizard was having none of that. I was tempted to just go in and Crocodile Dundee  the thing, but I cherish the fact I still have 10 fingers and 10 toes. God  knows what else could be bitten off, but Ill leave that to your  imagination.

    Finally I got the SOB around the neck and pulled him out to  the open. Of course, he got loose and started to flee. "Bullshit," I thought as  i picked up the machete and ran after the beast. I caught up with
him about 100 meters away and took my first swin. No luck. Took another. Nothing. You'd be surprised on how strong big #&%*ing lizard skin is. Looks like Id have to  beat the hell out of it instead. Yup, that worked! By that time all the neighbros came to see what was  going on. They sure didnt want anything to do with what was going on. The women stayed back; the grown men, even further. The gator was my kill, my prize, my  glory. So of course I did what any proud hunter does with his trophy, I showed it off. The best way to do that, chase people around the family compound with it. I can only imagine what the village elders had to say about the whole situation. "There goes that crazy white kid again. Running around in his underwear, chasing the women around, holding on to his big ass lizard." Ah, but little do they know. Punn intended :)

   It was going to be an interesting day. But it was still  before 9AM. So I did what any rational person would do in that situation. I  decided to take a nap. "Dont even think about waking me before lunch  time....zzzz....ZZZZ"