4th of July Feast

The 4th didnt quite seem right this year. It may be the fact that I celebrated a holiday for a holiday in a country that doesnt celebrate that holiday. Did you get that?

 

So my buddy Justin and I did a lot of thinking about the menu for this non-holiday holiday. What better thing to do in an ALL MUSLIM country than to drink beer and eat pork, the only two things theyre not allowed to do. Around the crack of noon, Justin and I went exploring for our pig. This thing was for sure a good catch, dirty and fat. Most importantly, still alive.

 

We had a Senegalese guy help us out for our pig adventure. I was so anxious to kill a pig. Ive never killed a pig people. Where do you cut it? How do you gut it? How long is going to take? But our Senegalese friend beat me to the punch. He just walked over and stabbed the thing in the heart. Im sorry to scare you all like this. Pardom me for the graphic details to all of you whom like to keep little animals alive. But Felix, the Senegalese bad ass, took out his Rambo man-knife and killed MY pig. The pig that I have been looking forward to kill ever since I ate my last pork chop in the States.  

 

AT THIS POINT, IF YOURE OFFENDED BY THE KILLING OF ANIMALS, PLEASE STOP READING

 

Felix went for the pigs heart. He clearly missed. Poor little Porky was screaming SO loud that everyone came to see who was making such noises. At one point Wilber, decided it was smart to try to stand up and run away. We had hog tied his hind legs, but his two front legs were free to go. He got up with the knife still in his chest. I went over and held the dirty thing down, explaining to Felix that a pigs heart is not located in the shoulder. I started to feel bad for him, really. So Felix decided that itd be an even BETTER idea if he just stabbed it until it died. He stabbed Porky a good 100 times, making Felix even more brutal than OJ. Finally the pig died.

 

"Who wants to gut it" asked Felix. I told him that he killed it, so he had to gut it. Knowing full well that I wasnt going to gut the thing if I killed it, I handed the knife back to Felix.

 

This was weird, but Felix shaved the pig. He literally took out the very same razor he used to shave with that morning, and he shaved it. Porky couldnt have a 5 o clock shadow for the hog roast now could he? But after he was freshly shaved and clean, Felix opened him up. Poor pig ate a very delicious diet of garbage and cigarette butts still visible in his insides. That was nasty.

 

Justin and I wouldnt be good Christians if we didnt help the poor and share some of the meat to the locals. We donated the pig balls and liver and all the other yummy insides. I wanted to keep the head, but Justin said NOOOOOOOO.

 

So the day went on...Justin and I kinda killed a pig and cooked it. It was good, but I think its going to be the last pig I ever kill. Good bless America and its illegal Mexicans for killing our pigs for us.