Mystery Meat

Im usually not one to complain, but God damnit.....sometimes it feels good. My common complaints are usually concerning subjects like food and weather. Well, those are basically the only things I ever complain about. Its Africa, so naturally its hot. Its just getting hotter, in turn making me complain even more. ITS HOT!!!!! Consider yourselves blessed. The other complaint that you all should be used to is my eating habits. The food in my village tastes like dirt. Youve heard this over and over. Except Im another 10 pounds lighter than I was last month, and the food hasnt gotten any better. IM STARVING!!!!! 

 

It all started with my village, Bambougar Malick Ndiaye. What a name! They eat food that resembles dirt, on a daily basis. So pretend my village has a party. Pretend the party lasts FIVE days.  Of course they wouldnt dare give their guests dirt for nine meals a day. Instead they broke out the big guns and slaughtered 8 cows. I WAS EXCITED. Id be eating beef for the first time in the village. Youd think Id have enjoyed that experience.

 

The village decided to have a ceremony for the opening of the new mosque in my village. If you dont know what a mosque is, its a church for Muslims. Its only 100 times louder and annoying. The men in my village have been building this enormous structure smack dead in the middle of town. Theyve been working on it before I even came there to live. I want to give you an outline of my 5 day Fun-Fest.

 

Day 1: They didnt tell me, but they installed not one, but TWO jumbo loud speakers on the top of the mosque. I found this out very early when they decided to test it at 3AM in the morning. It sounded like a freight train in my hut. It was going to be a long day.

 

(To make this story short, Im going to skip most of the boring things. Basically the whole party was boring)

 

Lunch: Mom brought me a huge bowl of beef and oil. There was more oil than beef, but I wasnt going to complain. I had bread to help the oil go down. The beef was amazing. The oil was a bit too heavy; a bit too much.

 

Dinner: As I expected, they fed me more beef. This beef was served over rice, and of course, oil. There was more oil than there was rice, but I was eating beef. How could I complain?

 

Day 2: Breakfast came unusually early this day. Mom woke me up at 5AM to give me a huge bowl of food. Yup, more beef. Freshly killed and unrefrigerated for two days. Day two was a little difficult. I woke up feeling like ass. I blame the gallon of oil I ate the day before, but I could have been worn out from all the damn fun I wasn't having. But I ate breakfast because it was beef, and Ill never get the chance to eat it again in the village. The 5 cups of oil that came with it was a little over the top.

 

Lunch: More beef. More oil. I was feeling sick.

 

Afternoon snack: Afternoon snack? Whats this all about? We never have snacks? Whats in the bowl? Ah, more beef flavored oil. Ok, really starting to get old here....

 

Dinner: You get the idea

 

Day 3: I was so worried about eating, I woke up early to "disappear" before breakfast and lunch. I actually lived off of cashew nuts in the wild. It was that sad. I wasnt that lucky with dinner.

 

Dinner: Mom brought my bowl. I wanted to cry. I cant offend them. I cant NOT eat. I had to do it. I opened the bowl to see oil, beef and a beef part. I had a good idea what the beef part was, but I asked to make sure. I asked my mother what the hell was in my bowl. Im glad I can speak their language, otherwise I might have misunderstood that Id be dining on cow testicle that night. It was interesting. Not saying that cow weiner is good or bad. It was simply interesting. Enough so that I gave most of it away to my dog, Bukki.

 

I have just eaten 10 pounds of beef and oil in three days. I layed in bed all night in horror. I wasnt feeling good. I wanted to throw up, but I couldnt get myself to do it. I found myself sitting in my back yard around 11 at night moaning in pain. Just my luck, it started to rain. It was appropriate though.

 

I tried to thow up again, but my body was having no response. I came up with an idea that I knew wouldnt let me down. Id tap into my Irish heritage and force the oil out. I have a big bottle of whiskey in my room for long and lonely nights. If whiskey didnt bring it out, nothing would. I took a drink. Tastes like ass. No luck. Took a second drink. Yup, there it came. 10 pounds of beef and oil taken care of with two drinks of liquid courage. That was a painful experience. But I got through it. 

 

Long story short. Im done with these week long parties they have. Im so lucky to be eating dirt again. Real food just doesnt taste the same here. Thanks for listening to me complain!

AMS

I think Ive mentioned gri-gris before but in case you forgot, Ill refresh your minds. West Africans, before colonization of the Brits and the French, had a long lasted traditional African animist view. AKA, they were paegan. They sort of mixed their old tradional ways into a new modern West Africa. Though they did indeed keep a little bit of old fashioned West African voodoo magic. Theyre called gri-gri.

 

Gri-gri are little magical charms that you wear around your body that have a significant meaning or protection. I for one would love to say that this is total BS, but in truth, Im a gri-gri whore. Ive been seen wearing a little bit of that voo-doo love.

 

It was a hard decision to make, but what would I choose to be my first Lucky Charm? I thought about it for a while. A long while. Then it came to me while I was swimming in my village swimming hole. Wouldnt it really suck to be eaten by a BIG ASS crocodile? Why yes, that would really suck. I talked to my village marabout about getting a `I dont want to be eaten by a crocodile while im swimming' gri-gri. So instead, he created the ultimate 'dont bite me' charm. Im protected from all things that bite: crocodiles, spiders, snakes, dogs, girlfriends, etc..." He put the spell in a huge ocean shell; wrapped it in leather. I wear it around my waist with pride.

 

My marabout gave me specific instructions on how gri-gri lose their powers. I must do the following to insure gri-gris last:

 

1. I am not allowed to be touched by a woman, in my special place, unless I take off my gri-gri.

 

2. Im not allowed to touch MY special place unless I take off my gri-gri. This includes going to the bathroom and anything else you perverts at home are thinking about.

 

3. If I wear too many gri-gri, they may lose their power.

 

Believe it or not, I have been true to my marabouts wishes and I have yet to be bitten by anything with teeth.

 

I must confess that I did indeed purchase more than one gri-gri. I am very impressed that I havent been eaten by something big yet. I need to go to a gri-gri maker to have these things put into necklace form.

 

I am a proud owner of the-

 

1. 'Dont stab me with that knife' gri gri

2. 'Haha...You cant shoot me with that gun either' gri gri

3. 'You want to make a bet, I can kick your ass' gri gri

4. 'Even though Ive been vaccinated, Ill never get yellow fever' gri gri (I bought this one because it was an antique. It was made for someone who has long been dead. Probably from yellow fever.)

 

Since Im protected from being stabbed or shot and since I have the blessing of Allah to kick people's ass, Its given me a very keen awareness to my environment. I like to call this sense, "AMS- otherwise known as Alpha Male Syndrom." Alpha Male Syndrom gives me the power to go up to anyone and give them instant shit, hence, Alpha Male. Senegalese people are very aggressive. They have no problem getting in your face. But when it comes to fighting, they are clueless. I once saw two men slapping at each other in duel combat. Thats a step up from the usual, push-and-run method I see on a daily basis. I have yet seen a fight here that consists of fists, blood, or pain.

 

I promise not to go using my Alpha Male Syndrom around town. Its more of a 'just in case' sickness. Just in case somebody tries to stab me will I tell them to piss off and beat them up. Just in case somebody wants to steal my wallet with a gun pointed at me will I try to beat the man with his own shoe. Its the little things Ill be waiting for to use AMS. Well just have to wait and find out if my gri-gri still have power. I better not take a piss before I go around trying to pick a fight.